


I Am Ready Now

by IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood, Exy (All For The Game), Filling the gap the books left, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Healing, I missed him but he plays no role yet, It hurts but it gets better in the end, Kevin overcomes his past, Kevin starts using his left hand again, M/M, Neil isn't here, Pain, Riko wasn't always cruel, Song Lyrics, Tears, They had tender moments, Torture, somehow pre-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 08:03:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18384332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos/pseuds/IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos
Summary: The problem is, he doesn’t hate him. He wants to. Wants to hate this monster so badly, wants to feel the urge to kill him like Andrew does, wants to drive out to West Virginia and waltz onto the court, choking Riko to death until his eyes turn from black and white to red, his skin from tan to blue. But he can’t.Kevin thinks about his relationship to Riko when he was still at the nest. He thinks he's falling. But someone will catch him this time. Can he let go?





	I Am Ready Now

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My dear friend Wishy Fish](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+dear+friend+Wishy+Fish).



> Soooo, this really didn't leave me alone. I had to write it. I always wondered why Riko and Kevin shared this obsession for the other and tbh, Thea only seemed like an excuse to me. I really wanted to show that there's more behind Riko's and Kevin's relationship. 
> 
> This is a painful but extremely cathartic ride. No Neil here. The boys aren't already in touch. I never saw something sexual in Andrew's and Kevin's relationship but definitely a lot of caring so maybe a hint to Kandrew here.
> 
> Riko is still an ass here, but hey, monsters are made.
> 
> You have to listen to Power by Isak Danielson. Otherwise you def won't get the right mood. The song is amazing.
> 
> Please leave me a comment or kudo if you enjoyed this or hmu on tumblr: iknowwhoyouaredamianos.

Pale moonlight floods the dorm, illuminating the bunks and desks, the slightly shabby furniture casting long shadows onto the walls. Kevin is still panting, drenched in sweat when his eyes wander the room to reassure himself that it’s Andrew sleeping in the bunk on the opposite wall. The stale taste of iron lies on his tongue, as if the blood still sat in his throat. A few blinks chase away the blur and clear his vision, finally being able to see Andrew with his back pressed against the wall, breathing evenly. At least, he hasn’t screamed this time and pulled his roommate, his guardian, from his sleep.

Flipping the sheets over, Kevin sits up and rubs his face with his calloused hands, the stubble grazing his scarred skin. His hands shake, his whole body begging for some swigs of vodka to take the fire out of his veins. A stripe of amber-colored light from a street lantern hits his left hand, highlighting the red scars, deeply connected to the ones scattered across his blackened heart, both parts throbbing with pain.

It wasn’t exactly a nightmare, not in the beginning. It all started with a harmless scramble in the grass, two foolish kids locking horns, a game – a memory. The first time Kevin had recognized what Riko had meant by making him his number two. Kevin had outgrown Riko at the beginning of said summer, finally strong enough to roll on top of his best friend, his  _ brother _ , and pin him to the ground. A fair win. Not for Riko, though. Something in his eyes had changed in that moment, something in his mind must have snapped when he’d flashed Kevin a grin and slammed his forehead into Kevin’s face, smashing his nose into a bloody mess. Kevin had cried; Tetsuji had broken it completely afterwards so he would learn that pain was relative - and nothing a Moriyama ever showed. It was the first time his heart felt broken. It wasn’t the last time.

“Kevin,” he hears Andrew say, the blond sitting all rigid at the edge of his own bunk, eyes dark and empty. He still cares. 

“Nightmare,” Kevin whispers, letting his legs dangle over the edge of his mattress. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not now.” 

Kevin’s voice is weak, his body still shivering from the cooling sweat in his shirt. He knows perfectly well that Andrew wants to know every detail, every single cruelty to add them up to his own in his perfect memory. Maybe that’s the blond’s way of coping. Maybe that’s the blond’s way of self harm.

“It’s the photos,” Andrew states as he gets up, sitting down by the window, lighting a cigarette and taking a deep drag. “Stop looking at them.”

Kevin sighs. He knows that Andrew is right, that he should burn them all to ashes like Riko had burned his heart to dead ember. “I can’t,” he confesses lowly, dropping his face into his hands. His eyes burn, his heart aches, his stomach churns. Every breath expands his ribcage, leaving a soothing pain when the distension climaxes, feeling like every muscle is tearing apart, every bone breaking, only held together by the maimed skin that wraps his frame. He knows that looking at photos of Riko makes it worse, but no matter what he’d done to him, Kevin still loves him in a way. “Why can’t he let me go?” he whispers, more to himself than to Andrew but the goalkeeper seems to not care, for the striker feels a firm warm hand wrap around his neck. 

“I know, Kevin,” Andrew says, not needing to elaborate to make clear that he’s sharing another secret, letting another guard down for Kevin. “He can’t harm you anymore, Kevin. I won’t let him. I promised.” The words are a soothing balm over the ripped open wounds.

“I know, Andrew.”

“I’m waiting outside.” Andrew gets up and leaves, knowing too well that Kevin needs practice now and for that he’s grateful. Andrew isn’t Riko, but he slowly becomes someone Kevin trusts, can share truths with, can rely on.

A duffle with gear is always packed, stowed away in his closet so he doesn’t have to wake up Aaron and Nicky with unnecessary rummaging. Kevin grabs it together with his keys and wallet and leaves the room without making a noise, still fearing the punishment that came upon him whenever he’d tried to sneak out for a moment at Evermore, feeling the need to breathe just to get the rest of air punched out of his lungs for breaking a rule.  _ You mustn’t ever move around alone. You’re bound together. If you break your promise, I’ll break you. _ He shakes his head to clear his thoughts, forgetting the heat of punches to his guts as he shuts the door behind him.

 

~

 

The ride to the Foxhole Court is silent, only some classical music playing on the radio. It is one of these small things he likes about Andrew. That Andrew never pushes too much, but waits for Kevin to open up on his own. That Andrew knows listening to Pavarotti calms Kevin down, so he puts it on although he can’t stand it himself. Driving him to the stadium to practice until his limbs are sore and his mind is blank enough to find some more sleep. 

Usually Andrew sits in the bleachers and watches him, but tonight Kevin asks him to stay in the lounge. “I need to be alone.”

Andrew’s brow twitches before he clicks his tongue and nods, staying behind as Kevin leaves for the loud orange court. Kevin rejoices in the silence that engulfs him once he shuts the doors, making sure that he’s enveloped by a vacuum that leaves him to his thoughts while at the same time offering support to shatter each one of them with hundreds of balls rebounding from the walls. 

He places the bucket with balls in shooting distance to the goal, pulling the strap of his helmet and gloves tight. He’s still going with a lighter racquet than he’d used back at Evermore. His left hand isn’t hurting anymore, Abby and the physiotherapist having given their all to train the scorching pain out of his bones and tendons, but it never held a racquet since this fatal night. The night he left his flock, his life - a Raven becoming a Fox.

The striker plugs in his earphones, listening to the song that had made him look at those pictures in the first place earlier on repeat. He starts practice slowly, not wanting to tear a tendon because of some stupid impatience. Kevin stretches thoroughly before picking up his racquet, slamming a few balls against the wall for some rebounds aimed at pylons he’d set up before he’d started, feeling the rhythm and sound of the piano. The thud of every ball feels calming, the shaking racquet leaving a feeling of power, of control. Control he’d given away some time ago to a man he’d valued, a man he’d loved, he’d have given his life for before that man had ruined his dreams, had maimed him just to be the best in the game.

 

**I still look at you with eyes that want you**

**When you move, you make my oceans move too**

**If I hear my name, I will run your way**

 

**Can we say that we love each other**

**Can we play like there ain’t no other**

**If I hear my name, I will run your way**

 

_ “I’m sorry,” Riko whispers when he visits Kevin on Evermore’s ward, a thick cast covering the young striker’s nose. Kevin doesn’t know what to respond; too deep sits the pain of his best friend hurting him over a stupid win in a foolish game.  _

_ “Why did you do it?” he asks tentatively, his green eyes framed with red-rimmed lids, looking into a black mass that doesn’t show any signs of pity.  _

_ “I- I didn’t want to hurt you. I just got angry. The Master - Last night he came to me and– I was frustrated, Kevin. Please, forgive me.” Riko’s shoulders hang loose, his face pulled into a frown. _

_ “I don’t know, Riko. My nose is broken. I mean-” He sighs. He knows how the Master treats them, treats Riko. No matter how hard they are punished, Riko’s punishment is twice as severe. He’s expected to be the best. None of them is allowed to fail - ever. “I know that you hate losing, but I’m not some stupid player. I’d never hurt you, no matter the price I’d have to pay for losing.” _

_ Riko averts his eyes, seeming ashamed. “It will never happen again, I promise.” _

_ “Swear!” _

_ “I swear!” _

_ Kevin nods and pulls Riko over by his sleeve. They hug. “I love you, brother.” “I love you, too.”  _

_ Riko didn’t want to hurt Kevin.  _

_ It will never happen again.  _

_ How wrong Kevin will be about this. _

 

Kevin’s eyes burn again. It seems like looking at these fucking photos this afternoon tore open every wound and cut open every single scar he’d ever received from Riko. 

The problem is, he doesn’t hate him. He wants to. Wants to hate this monster so badly, wants to feel the urge to kill him like Andrew does, wants to drive out to West Virginia and waltz onto the court, choking Riko to death until his eyes turn from black and white to red, his skin from tan to blue. But he can’t. 

He still feels close to him. Pities him. Wants to pull him into a hug and erase the evil out of his heart. He wants to show Riko that he can be more than just a commodity. That there’s someone out there who is ready to forgive him. Who will never hurt him the way his family does. He still feels love for Riko, but it seems like he’d always been the only one feeling that way. But that would be a lie, and that fact makes it even worse.

Pearls of sweat start to form on Kevin’s forehead, dampening his hair as he goes through his scrimmages, all anger bleeding into his shots and runs.

 

**It’s my desire that you feed, you know just what I need**

**You got power, you got power**

**You got power over me**

 

**I give my all now, can't you see, why won't you set me free?**

**You got power, you got power**

**You got power over me**

 

_ “You were good,” Riko says when they’re back in their room, lying on Kevin’s bed and eating a box of cookies Kevin had pilfered from the other team.  _

_ “Thank you, you too.” Lately, Kevin feels weird when he’s close to Riko. They have made a habit out of sleeping in one bed to fight the nightmares together, seeking comfort in the other’s presence, being the ever-fixed mark to turn to on the tempest-shaken sea that is their life in the nest. When Kevin looks up at his ‘brother’, he finds the boy looking at him, face calm but black eyes filled with something Kevin can’t decipher.  _

_ “Where would I be without you?” Riko asks, lifting his hand to put his thumb on Kevin’s cheek, gently stroking the bold ‘2’, freshly repainted with a black sharpie. Showing emotions, feelings, isn’t something they are allowed. Yet, Kevin has recognized that they have come more often from Riko recently. A squeeze to his shoulder here, a warm smile there, his warm chest pressed to Kevin’s back at night and an arm wrapped around his frame to shield him from whatever cruelty was about to happen next door. _

_ “Where would I be without  _ you _?” Seeing Riko smile has never moved Kevin before, but now, when tiny wrinkles form around dark eyes, Kevin’s stomach flips, a feeling of warmth and home settling in his chest. If he didn’t know it better, he’d say he’s in love. But love doesn’t exist for a Raven. Especially not for No.1 and No.2, the poster boys of Evermore. They are supposed to be the best, Exy their only priority, the air that they breathe, the air that’s withdrawn if they ever fail. _

_ “Kevin, I-” Riko is rarely out of words. Seeing him all confused, fumbling for the right sentences to leave his mouth is unsettling and cute at once.  _

_ “Whatever it is, Riko. It won’t leave this room, you know that.” Reassurance always helps the boy to steady himself, so Kevin offers exactly that. _

_ “I don’t even care if this ever leaves this room, Kevin. I just don’t know- What I want to say is-” _

_ Oh god, oh god. Is it- can it be that- No, it can’t! They can’t! Kevin’s mind says no, his heart screams yes, yes, yes when Riko cups his hot, flushed face in his hands, pushing a strand of his still damp hair out of his eyes. “You’re everything to me, Riko.” Kevin doesn’t know why he says it. Maybe it’s the striker’s lips hovering over his own; maybe it’s the stress they both have been through with the game and school and the punishment by their Master. He only knows that he means it. Riko is everything to him. The air he breathes, the sun that rises in the morning, the moon that lights the way in the night.  _

_ When Riko closes the distance between them, Kevin’s heart explodes. For the first time in years, he feels alive as if an ever-dark cave is suddenly flooded with a wave of golden light, revealing the beauty of what lay beyond the walls all the years, never visible and yet always there. All Kevin knows in that moment is that he never wants to let go of this again, wants to feel this forever, soft lips on his, gentle hands raking through his hair, shudders chasing up and down his spine. It’s the first kiss in his life and it’s the best thing he’s ever felt so far. For the first time since he’s come to Evermore, his life feels worth living, feels complete, feels as if there could be a future he could look forward to. _

_ “You’re everything to me, too.” _

 

**I was lost until I found me in you**

**I saw a side of me that I was scared to**

**But now I hear my name and I’m running your way**

 

**All I feel as I get closer to you**

**Is the desire to move like you do**

**So now I hear my name and I’m running your way**

 

  
Fifteen. They were fifteen when Riko had made Kevin feel whole for the first time in his life. Worthy. Loveable. A tear slips from Kevin’s eyes; too strong is the disappointment sitting in his throat like a lump. The balls rebound arbitrarily, no aim behind Kevin’s shots, only rage. 

Back on that bed, in a room that felt like a safe haven in a nightmare made of violence and manipulation, Kevin had thought with Riko by his side, they could make it out alive and healthy, clinging to the spark of love and affection to keep them sane until they could walk into a better future, together. To Riko, it didn’t matter if Kevin was gay, straight or bi, whatever.  To Riko, Kevin was Kevin, an anchor like Riko was an anchor for him, warm embraces and soft kisses and tender confessions of affection, of love.

They could have had everything. 

Kevin sighs, wiping the sweat from his forehead as a ball flies through the stadium, like an errant bullet rebounding in his own direction. Was that deliberate? The next shot misses its aim by more than five inches, something that has never happened when he was still a Raven; something that would have cost him a whole week of scorching pain in his back and legs from the Master’s cane. And sometimes even from Riko’s own hands.

 

_ Kevin’s legs shake from exhaustion. He feels tired, disappointed, numb, exactly knowing what waits for them, Riko and him, back at the nest. It is his fault; he knows it.  _

_ Riko had told him to send the ball his way, but Kevin had wanted to land the deciding shot himself. Not aware of his mark, he’d crashed into the wall, all breath punched out of him when the backliner sent him flying. His rib had cracked, but Kevin didn’t care at all.  _

_ They haven’t talked, yet. Not a single word. Riko sits beside him, the bus’s engine rumbling lowly, almost pulling Kevin into sleep. He wants to lean his head against Riko’s shoulder, but his partner is tense. Kevin knows that Riko blames  _ him _. Losing is never an option for the Ravens; all the worse that they actually lost their game because of Kevin’s selfish streak. _

_ “Hey,” he mumbles, tentatively sliding his hand onto Riko’s thigh, but Riko just shoves him away.  _

_ “Don’t touch me,” Riko hisses, glaring at Kevin as if he wants him to die. Kevin puts his hand back into his lap, gaze fixed on the rolling by landscape. Losing a game, to fail, hurts; Riko hating him for it hurts so much more.  _

_ The drive takes about two hours, none of them saying another word, the whole bus tense. When they reach Evermore, they line up, each of them accepting Tetsuji Moriyama’s ‘reminder’. Kevin watches the flock retreat into the nest, each Raven tired and out to lick their wounds. Except for Kevin and Riko - of course. The team might get away with some hits and an even harder training schedule, but not Kevin and Riko. _

_ “Kevin,” the Master addresses him, gaze hard and cold. Kevin would love to look away, but all he knows is that it would only worsen the situation - and its outcome, so he keeps his head high, rigid like a soldier at morning assembly. “Yes, Master.” _

_ “You know the rules. Your fault is Riko’s and Riko’s is yours.” _

_ “Yes, Master.” His body prickles, feeling that something is off. He knows the rules perfectly fine, but hearing them from the Master means something will be different today.  _

_ “Methinks your head is in the clouds, recently. I won’t accept another failure like today’s. It seems to me, my kind of  _ training _ doesn’t have the desired effect. Maybe Riko can remind you of your place, then.” Tetsuji’s lips pull into a mischievous grin, holding out his cane to his nephew. “Teach him manners, Riko. Or I’ll teach both of you.” _

_ Riko looks to his uncle then to Kevin, eyes dark, head high. He wouldn’t, right? He wouldn’t do anything to Kevin just to protect himself. He accepts the cane and Kevin’s jaw is about to drop.  _

_ “Riko, I-, listen-” _

_ “Shut up, Kevin,” Riko hisses as he makes his way over to Kevin, piercing eyes on him, something so feral in them that Kevin’s skin raises, goosebumps covering every inch. He still won’t believe that Riko will really hurt him, maybe just pretend to satisfy the Master’s disgusting pleasure. But Kevin also knows that the Master won’t accept a feint, that he needs bruises for evidence. For once, Kevin doesn’t want to stop, wants to remind Riko that he’s more than that. He wants to shout at his lover that if they’d just interrupt that filthy game here, they would show Tetsuji that he can’t win, not with violence. That their love is stronger than every cane or whip going down on their backs. _

_ “Riko, you don’t have to, you know. You can be more than this,” Kevin whispers, his eyes begging for entrance into Riko’s short-circuiting mind but all gates are shut. The man he loves, his ‘brother’, chooses to cast the first stone for a sin so marginal, it hurts all the more.  _

_ It’s not the cane that hits him first. Riko chooses his backhand, hitting Kevin’s cheek so hard that his lip splinters. His body is so used to abuse that it shuts down, his mind going blank while another backhand leaves his brain dizzy and vision blurred. Whenever the Master punishes him, his mind goes to all the good moments, most of them memories of Riko and him and love, but how can he do this when it’s Riko who’s punishing him.  _

_ Still, when the cane hits him for the first time, all he feels is warm hands roaming his body, soft lips kissing his, black eyes looking into his and telling him endless stories about love and a future without pain.  _

_ Each further hit means nothing when his heart is shattering into a million pieces. _

 

Kevin’s cheek burns as if Riko’s hand had met it just now. He’s panting so hard that his chest is about to explode. It could have been over after that night, all prospect of some happy moments gone forever. Riko’s hand turning from a loving to an abusing one, ending all of Kevin’s feelings for the other man in an instant, but brains don’t work like that. 

Kevin wishes he could just erase everything, could erase all feelings left for Riko, but his mind is throwing scenes at him like a merciless ever-running slide-projector, showing him every single moment of love and pain, taking turns like the hills and valleys of a rollercoaster. 

Maybe he still loves Riko because Kevin never wanted to accept that Riko is like his uncle. That maybe, with enough effort and affection, he could turn him into a person, not just a human being. And maybe, deep inside, this is what hurts him right now. That he failed. That he couldn’t erase the hatred from Riko’s black heart and fill it with life and kindness. He picks a ball up and shoots so hard towards the goal that it rebounds to the middle line once it hits the wall, the red light shooting adrenaline and endorphins through his veins like heroine, leaving him high. As high as in the first night Riko and him took their love to another level.

 

**It’s my desire that you feed, you know just what i need**

**You got power, you got power**

**You got power over me**

 

**I give my all now, can't you see, why won't you set me free?**

**You got power, you got power**

**You got power over me**

 

_ Kevin had thought that he could never forgive what had happened in Tetsuji’s office three months ago. He hadn’t talked to Riko for four weeks, both boys sleeping in separate beds for the first time in months, in years. Every day and night by Riko’s side had been a painful reminder of what his partner had done to him, of the physical pain, of the torment and humiliation Kevin had endured for half an hour until Riko had let the cane drop to the floor, leaving the room without a single word. His body had ached for a whole week before the soreness had subsided, Jean taking care of him whenever Riko had been in Tetsuji’s office. _

_ After the four weeks, Riko had broken the silence. “I’m sorry,” he’d whispered into the darkness of their room. Kevin had been staring at the ceiling for the last hour, not being able to sleep with the tempest in his head. The words had caught him off-guard and had hurt all the more, ripping open his barely healed wounds. _

_ “Not this time, Riko. I- What you did isn’t excusable.” Kevin’s voice had sounded flat but his heart had been hammering against his ribcage. He’d already known that he’d lost the fight. He loved Riko, no matter what he’d done to him and he’d been ready to forgive him. _

_ “Kevin, I-. You know the Master. You know that, if I hadn’t punished you, he had punished me all the more.” Riko’s tone had been rueful, his right cheek resting on the pillow to look at Kevin. _

_ “I would have protected you, you know?” Anger had bled from Kevin’s voice like blood trickling from a fresh gush. “I wouldn’t- I would have taken twice the pain if it had meant not hurting you.” Tears had pricked at the rims of his red eyes, one slipping out, running over his hot cheeks. _

_ “I know, Kevin,” Riko had said, “that’s why you’re the stronger one of us. That’s- That’s why I rely on you, why I love you.” _

_ Riko’s words had been the balm to soothe the pain.  _

_ The Master’s wrath is something Riko fears, even so much that he’d rather hurt Kevin than experience it on his own. Maybe that makes Riko a coward; maybe it makes Kevin an even bigger one to accept this as an excuse. _

_ “This can never happen again, Riko,” Kevin had said, an empty threat evaporating the moment it had left his mouth.  _

_ Even if it would happen again, Kevin would stay. Would find a way to find an excuse for what Riko did. Riko is all he has in here. _

_ “I promise,” Riko had murmured, sitting upright and watching Kevin from the edge of his mattress.  _

_ “Don’t promise what you can’t keep.” _

_ Riko had nodded, walking over to settle in beside Kevin. Kevin had let him. Riko hadn’t been to blame anymore when their lips crashed, heat flushing his system and keeping the pain at bay. _

_ It is all Kevin can think about when he lies in his bed, Riko warm by his side, back pressed against his chest. Riko seeks comfort, showing a side he could never show his family. Kevin thinks that maybe that is the bug that infected Riko’s brain, making him do things that are so contrary. It doesn’t matter. _

_ “What are you thinking about, babe,” he asks, nuzzling Riko’s neck. _

_ “About what I’ve done to you.” _

_ “It’s over, Riko. I’ve forgiven you.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “You know that it isn’t entirely your fault, right?” _

_ “It’s just-” Riko’s hesitation bespeaks how hard this is for him. “Pain turned you kinder but it turned me into a monster.” _

_ Kevin rolls Riko around, settling on top of him, his arms caging Riko’s head in as he stares at him intensely. “I know you, Riko. You are not a monster.” _

_ Riko gasps, almost unable to hold Kevin’s gaze. “You don’t know me well enough.” _

_ “I’ve known you almost all my life. I know that you can be more than that. Your uncle, that’s a monster. You, you are not.” Kevin cups his cheek tenderly, closing the distance between them. Riko melts into the touch and kisses. Kevin likes that. Likes that he can make Riko feel good and let him give away some control.  _

_ Their tongues fall into a slow dance, Riko’s hands wandering along Kevin’s flanks, slowly slipping beneath his shirt to rest on his back. They’ve never gone further than a blowjob before, but Kevin wants to give Riko all of him. Wants to show him that Riko still has him, that he’s constant, that he won’t ever leave him alone. _

_ Their kisses speed up after a while, like a small flame burning its way through the forest to turn into a wildfire, extinguishing everything in its way. Kevin’s whole body is burning as Riko grinds against him, both boys flushed, gasping and panting. Riko fumbles with Kevin’s shirt, trying to pull it off but it sticks in several places before he can finally pull it over Kevin’s head. It’s so weird that it makes them laugh into each other’s mouth. Maybe they’re laughing because they are nervous. None of them has ever done this before, but now they are at it and Kevin won’t shy away. _

_ “I love you,” he breathes into Riko’s mouth, relishing the rough touches on his back and buttocks, before he rolls on his back, getting rid of his sweatpants, his briefs feeling painfully tight. He rolls back, getting on his knees in between Riko’s legs to undress him, peppering his beautiful body with a million kisses. They’ve endured so much pain, nothing tonight should bring some more. “You’re beautiful.” _

_ “I love you, too, Kevin,” Riko lets out as Kevin pulls down Riko’s pants and briefs, kissing his thighs and pubes before he lets his mouth take Riko apart. He gathered a bottle of lube a few months ago, just in case they would go this way one day. Now, it comes in handy as Kevin lathers his finger with some, slowly circling before entering, taking his time to prep his partner. Riko hisses when Kevin adds a third finger and accidentally rams into the sensitive mucosal, but Riko will need this to take Kevin.  _

_ Riko’s moans and hands in Kevin’s hair, tugging at his black strands, are enough to give him the last boost in confidence. He pulls away with his mouth, pushing his own briefs down and slathering his hard-on with more lube. Their hot nude bodies are flush when Kevin settles in between Riko’s legs, trying to align his length with Riko’s butt. He doesn’t know how long he will last; he could come right here and now and is frustrated when he’s more poking around than actually entering.  _

_ Riko chuckles. “A bit more to the left, Kev.” _

_ “Sorry, babe.” Kevin’s cheeks redden even more. _

_ “Don’t be. I got you. I trust you.” _

_ Kevin nods, eventually finding where he belongs to and slowly pushing inside. Riko’s face pulls into a tormented frown, a hiss leaving his lips. “Breathe, babe.” Riko only nods, his fingers digging into Kevin’s back. Kevin pauses several times until he’s finally buried wholly, not moving at all until Riko is adjusted entirely.  _

_ Their rhythm isn’t one. It’s a bucking and pulling and pushing. It’s weird and clearly not how this is supposed to work but whenever something feels wrong, both boys hide it with a laugh and make up for it with long kisses. It doesn’t last longer than a couple of minutes before Kevin can’t hold back anymore, collapsing onto Riko in full exhaustion.  _

_ “Babe,” he mutters after a few minutes, head still resting in Riko’s neck. “Are you good?” _

_ “Never better,” Riko says and kisses Kevin’s cheek. It feels right, him being with Riko, being so close, creating something beautiful in a place full of horror. He closes his eyes, wishing it would stay like this forever.  _

_ It won’t. He knows it. For now, he ignores it. _

 

Tears trickle down his cheeks. Kevin could swear that he still feels Riko’s hands on his back, around his neck, his lips ghosting across his cheeks. He’ll never have that again. Riko threw that away for the sport they love and hate so ardently. Kevin can’t blame Exy. Exy didn’t turn Riko into that. People turned Riko into that. Riko turned himself into that.

Kevin’s shots get more furious, his whole body tense and aching from how hard he chastises himself. His left hand still aches without having a reason to so Kevin wants to give it one. Tonight, no pain will matter. He’s open anyway, so he switches the racquet from his right hand into his left, for the first time holding one again not to simply carry it around, but to use it. 

The first shot hurts and burns like hell, almost no power behind it, but Kevin won’t stop. Riko may have taken his heart and grace but not his game, not his game, not his game. And his game is everything, the strongest weapon against his past, the strongest weapon against Riko. Playing with his left hand is everything he has to show Riko that Kevin can go on, can surpass hatred and build something new, something good, with a good game and good people. People like Andrew who respects his wishes and protects without batting an eye.

The next shots still hurt like hell but the rebounds get better. He’s still far from hitting his aim, but muscle memory is stronger than Riko’s fury. A scream leaves his throat with every shot towards the goal, pushing him further and further - into the sky or an abyss, he doesn’t know yet. He just functions, hearing nothing but the music. There’s no going back anymore. One day the world will know that Kevin never went skiing. That one night a few months ago, Riko ended whatever they were and decided against a future with Kevin. The night, he wanted to take Kevin’s career away once and for all.

 

**I am ready now**

**I am ready now**

 

_ The battle is over. Kevin lost; Riko won. Riko is king but it isn’t enough. Kevin can see it in his eyes. He’s seen it several times throughout the past three years of their relationship. The dark eyes darkening even more, his whole body rigid as they leave the building and step into the cold of the night. When he’s learned one thing over the past years, it’s that it’s better to not talk to Riko right now. He will be better once he’s calmed down. But will he ever calm down from this? _

_ It had started with the accusations by the NCAA. Of course they had to highlight that there’s a possibility that Kevin could play better. That the Master is holding him back so Riko is the better player in stats. He’s Edgar Allen’s No.1. Kevin accepted to be No.2 a long time ago, the tattoo on his cheek remembering him of that every time he looks into a mirror. Being No.1 was never important. To him.  _

_ “You let me win, tonight,” Riko says, propped against the wall, his voice throwing icicles his way. Kevin sighs. Not again. _

_ “No, I haven’t. You’re just better.” _

_ “Don’t lie to me,” Riko hisses, earning Kevin another backhand to add to his account. He’s so tired of this. All of this. _

_ “Even if. What’s the point in that, Riko? You’ll always be No.1, I’ll always be No.2. We both can go court, can make a perfect career. Who cares if I’m better?” Why did he say that? _

_ “You’ve got nothing on me, Kevin. You’re not even worth a damn.” The words hurt, but Kevin is long numb. It’s like little cuts on a body with several broken bones. Only small wounds added, barely senseable through all the pain already flooding his veins. _

_ “Riko, please. Can we just go. I’m tired.” _

_ “We? There’s no we anymore, Kevin Day. I won’t let you take my place,” Riko grunts as he grabs Kevin’s collar, slamming him against the wall. Kevin doesn’t want to do this. He wishes the world would stop, coming to a halt, never starting to spin again. It doesn’t. The warm wet splotch on his face startles him. For the first time in years he feels pure anger raging through his system as spit drops down from his cheek.  _

_ “Riko, let - me - go.” _

_ Riko huffs, laughing maniacally. “Or what?” _

_ “Don’t let us do this. I don’t want to hurt you.” _

_ “You? Me? Kevin, Kevin.” Riko rakes his hand throughs his black hair, still laughing. “After tonight, you’ll never set a foot on a court again. Your mother raised a nobody.” _

_ Kevin doesn’t know if he threw the first punch or Riko, but everything aches when his mind is clear again, his back pinned to the concrete, Riko standing above him. When he realizes what is happening, it’s too late. His scream is muffled like an overmodulating speaker, as a scorching pain eats through his body, burning every nerve. It’s not even over and he can’t move. Riko’s shoe stomps onto his playing hand over and over again until it’s nothing but a bloody mess and Kevin nothing but a numb bundle. _

_ “I could have killed you, Kevin. Be grateful or I will come back to that.” Riko leaves. Kevin stays.  _

_ They find a cover story. A skiing accident. Kevin ‘s never stood on skis. He’s benched. His career over. The winter banquet just another humiliation.  _

_ When he enters the hotel to talk to his father, he expects nothing but accusations. He gets understanding. He decides to stay, which means he leaves. For good this time. Riko won. Kevin lost. No. They both lost. _   
  


Kevin hasn’t hit his aim once. Not yet. But he doesn’t give up. He still has a few balls in the bucket, even if his body is screaming, begging him to give up. He’s used to this. He won’t. 

Then he doesn’t see a mere point he wants to hit. He sees Riko, right in front of him. And he wants to destroy his image for once. Wants to get rid of this man who ruined his life, his career. And this time, with all of his last effort and power put into his shot, he hits. The goal lights up red, the ball rolling out onto the court as if Kevin had taken down Riko’s head. 

Tonight, he wins. Riko loses. 

 

**You’re the one that seduced me,**

**lured me in with your beauty,**

**now i know that you used me**

 

**All you did was confuse me,**

**you're no longer what i need,**

**touch me slow, feel my heart bleed**

 

**I’m ready now**

**I’m ready now**

 

Kevin’s legs give in, his body slumping to the ground, tired and sore. He feels like he can’t breathe, his chest constricted so tightly that it hurts to draw a deep breath, but when he does, it’s the best breath he’s ever taken. Hot tears run down his face and drop into his lap. He’s sobbing, his body vibrating and shaking, only calming down as a warm hand wraps around the nape of his neck. When he looks up, Andrew crouches in front of him. 

It’s over. This is his new life. That’s the new Kevin Day. Not owned by an old ghost any longer, not completely at least. He’s No.1 here, but it doesn’t matter, because with the Foxes and Andrew it never matters. He’s just Kevin here. A reason for Andrew to get up in the morning. A man studying history and sharing a dorm with weird twins and an overly excited Nicky. He can read books for hours or rewatch games. He can take breaks. He can be weak and a hand is there to steady him.

“Let’s go home. We’re done here, tonight,” Andrew says. It’s a command, but it leaves a choice.

Kevin nods. Andrew pulls him up. They can clean up tomorrow. He’s cleaned up enough today.

Back in the dorm, Andrew brings him a glass of water, sitting down on the window sill to smoke and watch Kevin drink.

“Better?”

“Yes, I think so.”

Andrew hums, exhaling smoke into the early morning air. Kevin likes watching him. Riko was never an anchor. Andrew is one. This kind of safety, being free to sail wherever he pleases to, knowing that his anchor will never fail - Raven’s may fly, but always to find bars to hold them back. They won’t know freedom. 

Kevin? Kevin will. 

Kevin is free.


End file.
